I Almost Deleted It
On perfectionism, self-worth, and the courage to be seen
Seeking perfection stifles sharing; self-acceptance fosters deeper artistic expression.
This year I set a personal musical goal to learn and record all twelve movements of “The Seasons” Op.37 for the piano by Tchaikovsky. At almost halfway through the year, I had learned how to play half the songs but had recorded none of them.
Fear held me back.
I could easily blame it on the lack of quality audio recording devices, making it impossible to create a clean recording, which was true but not the truth. In reality, I feared that my inevitable “less than perfect” performances would damage my reputation as a pianist and piano teacher.
This fear of what others would think of me plagued me for years, even causing me to walk away from playing piano for a few years. My desire to be acceptable to these unknown others caused me to think small, hide my abilities, and judge myself harshly. So for years, I chose not to record my performances or to keep the few I did have hidden from public view.
Despite these fears, I had a promise to myself to keep and a piano studio full of students to inspire and encourage. It was time to accept the challenge.
I pressed record.
“Wow, I’m doing this!”
Though nerves appeared as soon as I pressed record, I made it through the selection in one sitting. With shaky fingers, I forced myself with sheer willpower to keep playing.
Then I bravely listened back to the recording. As expected, I found some incorrect notes and phrases I wish I had performed differently. I could have included more rubato at times, pedal in other passages, and a gentler touch on a few chords.
Frustrated, I almost deleted the recording.
“Don’t do that. Pause. Trust the process and share the recording with someone.”
I decided to trust this inner voice of mine and sent the recording off to a fellow musician as a way to push past the edges of my comfort zone and hopefully receive some constructive feedback. I mostly wanted to be witnessed as a musician again, not having shared my music with anyone in years.
In the email accompanying the recording, I mentioned that I wasn’t completely pleased with my recording and musical interpretation of the piece. Essentially, I pre-apologized for sharing an “imperfect” recording with him as a way of preparing myself for any negative criticism I might receive.
“Am I really going to send this?”
Click.
“I did it. Now I wait for a response.”
A few days later, I had my answer. “What a beautiful performance! Gorgeous!”
Their congratulatory email also contained the following story that served as the perfect reminder and lesson about the pitfalls of perfectionism.
There was a famous jazz musician who once was told, “That was amazing! You sounded great.” And he replied, “You should hear what I heard!”
How true is that story! As a musician, I’ve been trained to listen accurately for mistakes and strive for perfection in the execution of my playing. As a result, I am often more critical of my playing than those who are listening.
Yes, there will always be some areas I could alter, improve, or change. Yet, if I wait for perfection before sharing my music with others, my audience and I will miss out on the beauty of the soul-filled wordless exchange of music.
For years, I wanted my music to be acceptable to others. If I’m completely honest, I found my value in my skills as a musician. Without my musical talent, what was I? Who was I?
Owning the label musician defined me and caged me at the same time.
Being excellent at music was not only a desire, it was a necessity. If I failed at achieving my goals or of being seen as a talented musician, my life would be meaningless and there would be no reason for anyone to like or love me.
I believed I was only as good as my last performance, or practice session. I remember being shocked when a new acquaintance wanted to deepen their friendship with me, despite never having heard me play music. How could someone know me if they haven’t experienced my soul through my instrument?
It’s sad, but true.
Thankfully, I’m beginning to flip that internal script.
I’m not fully sure what precipitated the shift. Perhaps it is age or sheer exhaustion of living in fear. I have a hunch that as I’ve learned to love and accept myself, all of my parts, even the messy unpolished ones, I’ve begun to separate my worth from my performance.
Whatever it is, I’m realizing that there is no such thing as “perfect” to be found in music or in life. I’m not saying we shouldn’t pursue excellence. That journey has, in many ways, served me well.
In many ways, it did not. Compliments remain challenging to accept, mistakes often send me spiraling, I over apologize for small things, and I’m overly critical of myself, always on the lookout for how I can improve as a person.
Yet, I now believe the pursuit of perfection does more harm than good. The very things that make us human, our uniqueness, our heart-centeredness, and our flaws, leave the longest lasting impacts on others. That’s the difference between a technically accurate yet uninspired performance, and one that moves the audience to tears.
We must not remove our human-ness from the human-ities.
As I’ve been more willing to share my imperfect musician self with others, I’m noticing that my performances are more heart-centered, effortless, and raw than they once were. I’ve felt this shift in other areas of my life as well– in my writing, poetry, artwork, and even my personhood.
I’m so glad I took the risk of sharing that recording with another soul.
Now, I write, play, create, and am myself with reckless abandon, knowing that who I am and what I have to offer this world deserves to be seen by others and by myself.
Journaling Prompts
If this piece stirred something in you, these questions are yours to sit with:
A “messy” area of my life that I prevent others from seeing is…
I’m ready to be seen in…
A moment I allowed myself to be vulnerably seen by others and it went well was…
If my value had nothing to do with my performance or output, I would describe myself as…
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I admire the bravery to hit record and share it! It’s also so cool to challenge yourself with new skills!!