Is this sin?
When Everyday Life Felt Sinful—and I Said No More
“For everything that does not come from faith is sin.” Rom. 14:23
For years, I tried to live my life with this verse at the forefront of my every action. I inspected my life like a detective scouring a crime scene, intent on finding evidence of my guilt and unworthiness. For the more sin I identified and eliminated, the more glory God would receive. I owed it to him, on account of his saving my soul from hell.
She wakes before her children and her husband. tip-toeing down the hallway, she grabs her Bible and prayer journal. She takes a deep breath, embraces herself for the message she is about to receive, hoping the words bring peace and freedom instead of more condemnation.
Is this sin?
She prays according to the ACTS prayer format, according to the teachings of faith leaders. Very careful not to offend God, she begins with Adoration.
“God, I praise you for your goodness, for your wisdom and control of all things in my life. For bringing all things together for my goodness and for your glory. You alone are worthy of praise.”
She moves on to Confession.
“Forgive me for seeking some of your glory, for wanting to be seen for my efforts in this home. Many days, I feel overwhelmed. Forgive me for not trusting that you will give me only the trials I can handle and for wanting an easier life.
I yelled at the children again yesterday.
How will they learn God-honoring behavior if I still struggle? I want to do this mothering thing right. But I keep falling short. My anger always gets the best of me.”
“Thank you,” (Thanksgiving), “for forgiving my sins. For my children, my husband, this home, my ability to do life with my children every hour of every day.”
Supplication.
“Please help me act in a way that gives you glory. Remove my anger. Help me to remain calm. Help me to be grateful for the things my husband does and not annoyed by the things he doesn’t do. Please help me guard my tongue and serve my family completely.
Help me display less of me and more of you in my daily interactions with others. Amen.”
As she washes the dishes, she rehearses Bible verses with flash cards kept on the windowsill above the sink for that purpose. Her mind keeps wandering to other topics. She must work harder to suppress her thoughts.
Is this sin?
While getting dressed, she hears the children stirring and beginning to fight. She's annoyed, exhausted already, and she hasn't even seen them yet.
Is this sin?
She feeds the children Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast—not the healthiest choice. Hearing the pieces clink into the bowl, she notices her grumbling stomach. She hasn’t had time to eat. Lacking discipline, she sneaks a few Cheerios glued together for herself.
Is this sin?
The children begin making a ruckus. They are too loud. She’s furious. She hushes them so as not to wake their father, while feeling frustrated that he is still asleep while she cares for the children.
Is this sin?
She begins morning homeschooling lessons. The children argue and complain about their lessons. She snaps, reminding them of God's commandment to obey her. They continue to argue, and she tells them they are sinning and need a savior to keep them out of hell. Then she spanks them, feeling guilty for the action yet believing that is God's way of discipline and instruction.
Is this really how God wants me to parent?
They survive morning lessons somehow, with the baby crawling around and getting into the cabinets, the preschooler engaged in activities set up for them, while the older children engage in Bible lessons, scripture memory, science, math, literature, and copywork lessons. She feels overwhelmed and exhausted. She desperately yearns for quiet time after lunch.
Is this sin?
Lunch is provided with sandwiches and fruit. She hopes that’s healthy enough. She shoos the children off for rest time. Some comply. Others argue.
“Why?” they ask. “Because I said so,” she replies.
Is this sin?
She tries to spend her rest time preparing dinner and afternoon activities, but sleep calls, so she naps instead of being productive.
Is this sin?
The children emerge from their rooms before she’s ready. But she fake-smiles, gets off the couch, and takes the family for a nature hike. The children fight the whole way there.
She explodes, “Will you stop fighting? You’re ruining the family and your childhood!”
Is this sin?
They return home, and the children play while she cooks a homemade dinner, complete with homemade bread, homemade stock, and chicken from a whole chicken cooked the day before.
Shoot. She forgot the pasta. They have to go to the store.
Is this sin?
Her husband comes home and wants time to decompress before helping with the children and eating dinner. Anger arises within her.
Is this sin?
She feels rushed, getting all the things onto the table. She feels resentment as nobody is helping her.
“Dinnertime everyone.”
Is this sin?
Thankfully, dinner is edible, and the children are eating. After bath and bedtime, she’s wearily back in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes again. She notices the scripture verses on the windowsill and thinks, “I can’t do this anymore,” and quits putting in the mental effort to memorize them.
But she’s doing her job according to Proverbs 31, “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Is this sin?
She then spends the next few hours preparing for the next day’s homeschool lessons, the week’s meals, and the grocery list. She wouldn’t want to forget that pasta again. She asks her husband to fold the laundry for her.
Is this sin?
Finally, she collapses into bed, weary from the day and the weight of the sin in her heart.
Did I do anything out of faith today, or was it all sin?
She wakes the next morning, ready to repeat the cycle. She sees the unfolded basket of laundry and swears under her breath.
Is this sin?
She opens her Bible and prayer journal, takes a deep breath, embraces herself for the message she’s about to receive, and fills her journal with confessions from the previous day’s sins, pleading with God to rid her of her sinful nature.
Looking back at my evangelical Christian life, I shudder. This was a typical day. Self-abuse, under the name of faith, beat my poor soul til it barely existed.
Was I taking scripture too literally? Maybe. But this is how I was taught to think.
Was I the only one who applied scripture to her life to this level? Maybe, but I don’t think so.
Was I sinning in all those cases? No.
I’ve since abandoned the idea of sin completely.
In a moment of complete exhaustion, I screamed out loud one short sentence that changed the course of my life. Those words, directed at my husband at the time, could have been said to God and the evangelical church. “I wish I had never married you.”
The months that followed contained many moments of questions, self-evaluation, and research that revealed an answer I didn’t want to accept, but finally did.
My problem had never actually been my sin. The problem was believing in a faith that labeled the natural expression of humanity as sinful, unlovable, and unworthy of God’s grace.
I’ll never understand why such teachings exist, why I believed them for so long, or what finally dropped the blinders from my eyes.
But I know this, life without constant self-absement is quite freeing.
I once was blind, but now I see.
And she is beautiful, whole, and lovable as she is.
Journaling Prompt:
I write to heal.
Early in my healing journey, my journal accompanied me everywhere I went so I could hear and process my thoughts as I put pen to paper. Often, those writings came through various writing prompts. To pay it forward, I offer you a journal prompt with each post so you can join me in discovering your inner hero through writing.
If writing to heal resonates with you, consider using the following prompt to direct your writing.
Here are your prompts:
Messages I received that no longer serve me are…
Looking back on that, I feel…
A breaking point in my life came when…
I honor my humanity by…
Practices that make me feel free are…
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This is so powerful, vulnerable, and illuminating. I want to both give you a hug, and celebrate your strength with a fist pump.