Silence Taught Me How to Change the Radio Station
Discovering My Agency
Me and Silence
Stuck together,
alone in the dark.
Will there ever be light?
Catherine Sipher
from Barely a Whisper: Poems from the Heart of a Woman Re-becoming
Silence - at first a prison, later my salvation.
Scared of it, I tried to numb it with ambient noise, outwork it with never-ending to-do lists, outrun it with constant movement, and outsleep it with any remaining time in my day.
Eventually, the darkness of the silence bubbled over and imploded like a black hole. Screaming so loudly, it finally grabbed my attention.
Cornered with no alternatives, I finally chose to embrace the initially unwelcome gift.
The Unwelcome Gift
A lonely, desperate, hopeless kind of silence served as my first companion. Later, silence became my trusted friend, encouraging me to listen to myself.
Filling page after page in my journal, I began to crack long-standing facades. Through the fresh gaps, inner and outer light exchanged energies. Like a powerful chemical reaction, the interaction imploded producing even greater light.
This illumination brought definition to the shadows. For the first time, I witnessed the systems of oppression and subtle abuses and traumas that had caused previously unseen harm.
Shockwaves? I felt them all.
I wanted to feel them all. There would be no more numbing out. I purposed to feel everything, even the lowest of the lows, so I could heal.
Five years removed from the onset of that debilitating yet life-giving silence, I revisited the scratches my pen made on those early pages. Each stroke embodied self-loathing, fear, confusion, pain, and longing.
Yet, woven through the lines, like a trail of breadcrumbs, exist seeds of personal wisdom. Those insights led me home to myself and into my currently blossoming life with self-knowledge, self-love, and agency to change the radio station!
Yes, silence taught me how to change the radio station!
Learning to Change the Radio Station
One of the tenets of my former faith was the sovereignty of God. The ideology proposed that God, who was all-wise, all-powerful, and all-knowing, knew what was best for me at all times. Therefore, whatever was present at the given moment was given to me by God for his wise reasons and purpose. To “shake my puny fist at God” (as I was once taught) by changing the radio station would be an act of defiance and rebellion against God’s wise plans for my life.
So for many years, it never occurred to me, that if I didn’t like what I was listening to on the radio, I could change the station!
At the age of 39, for the first time in probably two decades, I changed the station. Having recently left Evangelical Christianity, a whole new world of musical experiences opened to me. Having only listened to contemporary Christian music (or classical music) up to that point, I felt free to explore genres of music previously off-limits to me because of their frequent reference to girls, sex, and drugs.
I don’t remember the song broadcast over the radio, but it was heavier than I wanted. So I reached toward the console of my vehicle and pressed the tuner button.
What relief!
At that moment, I claimed agency over my life.
I had the power to change my musical experience.
I was not a victim of the radio waves.
When I felt something unpleasant, I could shut it down.
Retraumatization Through Dogmatic Music
A few years before this “aha” moment, I grieved a second-trimester miscarriage. The sense of loss I felt in those moments was something I had never felt before and have never felt since. Nothing could soothe it, though I tried frequently with music.
For hours I played worship music praising God for his sovereignty, goodness, and love. Which meant that for hours I cried. Though declarations of God’s attributes were being sung to irradicate the pain of the human experience, they did not.
A pain that runs so deep and visceral can not and should not be bypassed by religious or spiritual platitudes of any kind. My tears were how my body told me the music was wrong for me. Yet, I couldn’t access my body’s messages because my mind, so entrenched in religious dogma, could not access the truth. The truth is– the only way forward through that level of pain is to fully feel it.
Back then, I didn’t have the self-knowledge or the agency to change the station. Instead, I suffered, retraumatizing myself with every song I blasted through my kitchen all day attempting to soothe my aching soul.
That’s why changing the radio station in my car, something so small and benign to most, was an inner hero moment.
The First of Many Changes
Changing the radio station was the first step of many subtle changes that led to bigger changes. I slowly began to use my voice. I set boundaries around how I would respond to others, how I would navigate through the world, and how I would care for my precious body.
I allowed myself to feel, express, and voice my emotions. Surprisingly, poetry began to flow out of me as I journaled. I cast dreams and pursued those dreams boldly. I learned to trust my intuition and better advocate for my needs and those of my children.
The growth wasn’t always linear. It still isn’t linear. I constantly struggle to use my voice to advocate for my needs, preferences, and boundaries. I am growing in this area but often find myself shrinking and retreating to my former ways of thinking.
But, now I know…
Now, I know my voice.
Now, I trust my intuition.
Now, I have the tools to help me access my voice.
Now, I have a history of self-advocacy that encourages me to continue to take up space in this world.
In the end, silence won by stripping away all the barriers that prevented me from knowing myself. I’m so glad it did, because…
In the silence, I found my voice.
Journaling Prompt:
I write to heal.
Early in my healing journey, my journal accompanied me everywhere I went so I could hear and process my thoughts as I put pen to paper. Often, those writings came through various writing prompts. To pay it forward, I offer you a journal prompt with each post so you can join me in discovering your inner hero through writing.
If writing to heal resonates with you, consider using the following prompt to direct your writing.
Here is your prompt:
Reflect on a time when you claimed agency over an area in your life where you previously had none. Describe that moment. What did it look and feel like? Why was this a monumental moment for your empowered self?
Note: I offer Monthly Journal Prompt Guides for paid subscribers. These Monthly Journal Prompt Guides are designed to help you discover, understand, and release your inner hero, the one waiting to break free from the shadows. Through each month’s themes and prompts, you’ll discover valuable insights about yourself - your dreams, passions, interests, and perhaps a little healing.
Journaling Circles
I write to heal and connect with my inner hero.
This essay started with a thought, a pondering, and later became a journal entry, and finally this essay.
Journaling is a way of slowing down, checking in, and tapping into our inner being that so easily gets lost in the hustle of the day.
If you need an opportunity to slow down and connect with yourself in a safe, supportive, and distraction-free space, I invite you to join me for my From a Whisper to a Roar Writing Circles.
The bi-monthly From a Whisper to a Roar Journaling Circles are a time to gather online, discuss journaling as a tool for self-discovery, write in silence together, and reflect on the process.
I will provide a writing prompt or two for inspiration (take it or leave it). There is no expectation that anyone will share their writing with the group - in fact, we won’t be sharing our writing! This group is about writing to heal, not about becoming writers!
This is an opportunity to carve time out of your busy schedule, to sit in silence undistracted, connect inwardly through the gift of writing, and reflect with the group about the power of writing in each of our lives.
We write every other Friday from 9:00-10:00 AM EST.
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