Will It Have Been Enough?
A heartfelt look at the struggles, doubts, and joys of raising kids while growing yourself
A few weeks ago, my oldest child started his freshman year of college.
For eighteen years, we’ve been together. He witnessed my early days of motherhood, the addition of all the other children, the beauty and chaos of our homeschooling days, the ravages of epilepsy on his sister, and the heartbreak of a family transformed through divorce.
And now, I’ve launched him into the world.
Surprisingly, he’s ready to fly. I couldn’t be prouder. I’m not sure how we got here so quickly.
And yet, the questions remain.
Have I done all I could?
Will it have been enough?
Will I successfully navigate this latest parenting transition, parenting an adult child?
I don’t know.
I wrote the poem and essay below while journaling a few years ago. At the time, my oldest was sixteen years old and just getting his driver’s permit. My youngest was four and throwing daily tantrums on his way to preschool. The ones in the middle were struggling as well. It was exhausting. It still is.
If you are a parent reading this, perhaps this poem will resonate with you.
Will It Have Been Enough?
When they're adults,
will it have been enough?
Will they see the love
embedded in my messy efforts—
the forgotten backpacks,
moments of impatience,
accidentally broken promises,
misunderstood decisions?
I hope so,
because this is all I've got.
Yes, I chose this life. All of it. The six-kid part first, then the single part.
Parenting didn’t turn out to be what I thought it would be. In recent years, it certainly hasn’t been what it once was.
I parent completely differently now than I did at the start. I no longer micromanage their screen time, limit their sugar intake, or make homemade graham crackers. And that’s probably best for all of us.
I’ve heard it said that siblings grow up in different families because their members and parents were different people when they entered the family. With twelve years between my oldest and youngest children, that is certainly true for my family.
But for us, it goes beyond the addition of children or simply the wisdom that comes with aging parents.
At the age of 44, I’m a completely different person than I was when my oldest was born. I no longer hold the same beliefs, have the same occupation, or am married to his father. My personal growth changed the entire dynamic of our family.
In many ways, I still grieve the losses that came with those changes. Gone are the days of spending 24/7 together while homeschooling with a beautiful, holistic curriculum. Now, we only experience each other in the pockets of time between sleep, work, and school. I have less time to experience the joys of life with them, and instead spend most of that time trying to get them to eat, change their clothes, or brush their teeth.
In other ways, I welcome the changes. My younger children breathe in a better version of me. I’m gentler, more patient, more empowered, and joyful. My older children have witnessed the contrast in who I once was and who I am now. I like to think that seeing those drastic changes has been a positive lesson for them in its own way.
Yet, I still wonder, will it have been enough? Will I have been enough?
From day one, I’ve done my best with what I had, with who I was at each moment.
I gave it my all, even when flawed and misdirected. I gave it my all while in my healing stage, still transforming. I gave a fully human version of me, not always saying the "right" things, using a calm voice, or remembering to do all the "things." Even now, I give it my all while still walking through layers of grief, rediscovering myself, and creating a new life for all of us.
I’ll never get it perfect.
But maybe love is not about showing up perfectly. Maybe it’s about showing up again and again. If so, I’m in luck! That much, I know I got right. I’ve never given up.
So, will it have been enough? I don’t know. I’ll see as he stretches his wings.
Fly, baby, fly.
Journaling Prompt:
I write to heal.
Early in my healing journey, my journal accompanied me everywhere I went so I could hear and process my thoughts as I put pen to paper. Often, those writings came through various writing prompts. To pay it forward, I offer you a journal prompt with each post so you can join me in discovering your inner hero through writing.
If writing to heal resonates with you, consider using the following prompt to direct your writing.
Here are your prompts:
Where do you feel doubt or worry that your efforts have been enough? Name these areas of your life. Recognizing them is the first step in releasing those fears.
Write a letter to the part of yourself that feels like you haven’t been enough. Write it from the perspective of your highest self, your best, most compassionate cheerleader. What would they say to that insecure part of yourself?
My first poetry memoir, Barely a Whisper: poems from the heart of a woman re-becoming is available now!
Want more support in your journaling practice? I’ve got you!
FREE Journaling Guide:
Begin your journaling journey with this free guide, designed to help you reflect, explore, and reconnect with yourself. It includes prompts to support your self-discovery and personal growth. → https://www.catherinesipher.com/how-to-journal
Monthly Journaling Guides
Get daily prompts to help you uncover your inner hero, explore your passions, and gain clarity through writing. → www.catherinesipher.com/guides
Join the Journaling Circle
Need a dedicated space to journal? From a Whisper to a Roar Journaling Circles meet bi-monthly for a distraction-free hour of reflection and writing. No pressure to share—just time to connect with yourself. We meet every other Friday at 9 AM EST. → www.catherinesipher.com/circles
Paid Substack subscribers get FREE access to Monthly Journaling Guides + a discount on Journaling Circle Memberships!